The other day I was feeling down. I was down on me. You know what I mean. I had made a royal mess of the day from rushing about scolding my husband to freaking out about every little thing. At the end of the day I was feeling at odds with my husband. And rightly so, it hadn't been so fun for him either. As we talked I really began to fall into my same old habit of hating myself for my my failures and struggles. I've learned over time that when I get into a slump like this one, the next thing that will happen is depression. You might say I've been walking this path, fighting these battles, for most of my life.
Only today as I began my trek down this path something different happened in my mind. I believe it was Christ trying to bring me back home before I got to far away.
I realized over and over again I try to be good, to say the right thing, to live out my Christian walk the way I believe it should be and to be the good person I know I should be. It's hard. I fail daily a lot. Tonight though, the thoughts racing through my head were instead "Greater is HE that is in you than he that is in the world"(1 John 4: ) I reworded it in my head to say too "Greater is HE that is in you than you." Because Jesus is greater than me. And His power is greater that all of my selfishness and failures. His love reaches through.
Romans 8: 35-39 says "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
If Jesus cares this much about me, than why do I let my perception of who I should be, my desire to have a tidy house, always a productive life, a beautiful quiet time everyday, to never fail or say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing or look silly, etc. so mess up my life on a very regular basis? If Jesus loves me this much, than why do I care so much about such silly things? Isn't Jesus more than all of this? Yes He is. He is greater than me and all the silly stuff I come up with.
I cried softly to myself. "I surrender AGAIN!" I whispered. Am I a failure because I struggled again? No, I am loved and redeemed by the Lord of Lords and King of Kings. So I pick myself up off the ground. Dust off my pants, pray once more for the Holy Spirit to consume me. Thank Jesus for His grace and forgiveness and continue on my way. Not alone, not on my own strength, and so very loved.
