A Journal Entry- Character comes with Sacrifice.

Is there a way to obtain great character without it being so hard?
Is there a way for my stubborn will to release my grip on what I believe to be my life, my time, my family, my rights, my needs. Or will somehow this lesson be learned one sacrifice at a time? For I know these are the lessons I'm going to have to learn if I want the Lord's will in my life.

Lord Jesus, teach me to release and let you lead. I've given it all to You yet I know I still have strings attached. Make my will Thine. 

So Very Loved

The other day I was feeling down. I was down on me. You know what I mean. I had made a royal mess of the day from rushing about scolding my husband to freaking out about every little thing. At the end of the day I was feeling at odds with my husband. And rightly so, it hadn't been so fun for him either. As we talked I really began to fall into my same old habit of hating myself for my my failures and struggles. I've learned over time that when I get into a slump like this one, the next thing that will happen is depression. You might say I've been walking this path, fighting these battles, for most of my life.
Only today as I began my trek down this path something different happened in my mind. I believe it was Christ trying to bring me back home before I got to far away.
I realized over and over again I try to be good, to say the right thing, to live out my Christian walk the way I believe it should be and to be the good person I know I should be. It's hard. I fail daily a lot. Tonight though, the thoughts racing through my head were instead "Greater is HE that is in you than he that is in the world"(1 John 4: ) I reworded it in my head to say too "Greater is HE that is in you than you." Because Jesus is greater than me. And His power is greater that all of my selfishness and failures. His love reaches through.
Romans 8: 35-39 says "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

If Jesus cares this much about me, than why do I let my perception of who I should be, my desire to have a tidy house, always a productive life, a beautiful quiet time everyday, to never fail or say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing or look silly, etc. so mess up my life on a very regular basis? If Jesus loves me this much, than why do I care so much about such silly things? Isn't Jesus more than all of this? Yes He is. He is greater than me and all the silly stuff I come up with.

I cried softly to myself. "I surrender AGAIN!" I whispered. Am I a failure because I struggled again? No, I am loved and redeemed by the Lord of Lords and King of Kings. So I pick myself up off the ground. Dust off my pants, pray once more for the Holy Spirit to consume me. Thank Jesus for His grace and forgiveness and continue on my way. Not alone, not on my own strength, and so very loved.

Thoughts on Grief

We do not want to lose our grief, because our grief is bound up with our love.-

Mourning is evidence that a person has had a real and deep connection to another person.-

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Matthew 5:4

Hold this thought: Shared silence is comforting.

Then the book of Job came to mind. Now Job’s three friends have gone down in history as examples of what not to do for a friend who is suffering, but that’s not fair. It’s true that those guys screwed up the moment they opened their mouths, but do you recall what they did before they spoke? Take note: "When they saw [Job] from a distance, they could hardly recognize him, they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was" (Job 2:12-13).

Proverbs 25:20

Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on a wound, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart.

Grief is the sign that you have loved.

Even in laughter the heart may ache, and rejoicing may end in grief.

Proverbs 14:13

When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews Who had come along with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. "Where have you laid him?" He asked. "Come and see, Lord," they replied.

Jesus wept.

Then the Jews said, "See how He loved him!" But some of them said, "Could not He who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?" Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. "Take away the stone," He said."But, Lord," said Martha, the sister of the dead man, "by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days." Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?"

But now, this is what the LORD says— He Who created you, Jacob, He Who formed you, Israel: "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.Isaiah 43:1-2

You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?

Psalm 56:8

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?
~Laura Story~Blessings


So faithful. So constant.
So loving and so true.
So powerful in all You do.

You fill me. You see me.
You know my every move
and You love for me to sing to You.

I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never,
forsake me in my weaknesses

I know that You have come now,
even if to write upon my heart.
To remind me who You are.

So patient, So gracious,
So merciful and true…
So wonderful in all You do.
You know me. You see me.
You know my every move.
You love for me to sing to You

Lord, I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never,
forsake me in my weaknesses.
I know that You have come now,
even if to write upon my heart.
Kari Jobe~You Are For Me

When I am afraid, I put my trust in You.
In God, whose word I praise—
in God I trust and am not afraid.
What can mere mortals do to me?

Psalm 56:3-4

I give thanks to You, O Lord my God, with my whole heart,
and I will glorify Your Name forever.
For great is Your steadfast love toward me;
You have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol.

Psalm 86:12-13

The Game of Honor

Romans 12:10 says in the ESV "Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor." I really like that thought. I have this game I play with myself. I try to outdo my hubby in showing honor. Which means doing the things he appreciates or would enjoy. Usually it’s quite a competition. He’s much better than I am at honoring me as a way of life. Here’s a little list from my notebook on some ways right now I'm working on in honoring my Hubby. Insert the things that show your hubby or the people in your family honor.

4 ways I can Honor my Hubby Daily.
(This does not include the things that I do everyday without thought. This is only the things I know he appreciates and I struggle to do.)
• Keep the couch and rocker cleared off of stuff
• Have a drink in the fridge when he gets home
• Have a snack ready when he gets home at night
• Be attractive when he gets home


4 Habits to Learn that Honor my Hubby Daily
• PRAY FOR HIM!!!
• Don’t be a nag
• Let him sleep
• Let him get his work done

You are Loved

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. Romans 8:1-2

You are loved beyond your failures
You are loved beyond your past
The hope that you’ve imagined
Is now reality at last
You are loved with no conditions
You are loved with no remorse
The scars of your forgiveness
Are engraved upon the Lord
You are loved

A Decision

Life is a Decision. And in this point of life I’ve learned that marriage is a decision. A decision to honor when my feelings tell me to spout out a sarcastic comment. A decision to not harbor the feelings of resentment that creep in when my husband doesn’t come in when I think he should or doesn’t buy what I think he should and the list goes on.

I guess I’ve always known that life was a decision. A decision to use my money wisely, to work with integrity, to do the very best I can even when no one else is. To love even when it hurts and to turn the other cheek. Ultimately to make a moment by moment decision for Christ. To obey His commandments which is loving Him (John 14:23) and to love my neighbor as myself.

One decision I've been making is the decision to not just make my husband apart of my life but make his life mine. It's one thing to make sure his physical needs are met; give him this little section of my time here but still remain disconnected in my world. But to make his dreams my dreams, his desires, my desires, his heart, my heart. Now that takes a decision.

Yes, quite often I feel like loving my husband. To serve him, respect him and do what pleases him. But more often than not, it is my right decisions that cause me to feel like doing that.
My feelings follow my decisions.

But I can’t make this decision on my own. I find the farther I stray from God, meaning the times when I don’t seek Him continually are the times when I struggle the most to make the right decision and to do the right thing. Only by the power of God can I move forward. And when I am seeking the face of God, and trusting Him, I am loving my husband. Because loving God is the best thing I can do to love my husband.

Am I there yet? Not a chance. But that is part of God's grace.

Heal the Wound, Leave the Scar

"Thank you, Father for struggle, I wouldn't be the same person without it. Thank You for the blessing in knowing You will never leave us or forsake and will be with us in our darkest hour. Never let me forget the pain and Your love."



I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then

I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in

And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering

~Point of Grace
Heal the Wound

Do you believe the holocaust happened?

You are For Me

"....If God is for us, who can be against us? He Who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all—how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God Who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, Who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?....

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him Who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:31-35, 37-39



Are you feeling alone? Abandoned? Are you downcast and is your soul disturbed within you? Put your hope in Christ Jesus and praise Him, your Savior and your God. (adapted from Psalm 42:11)

Dancing in Minefields

On May 28, 2011 I married my Beloved and my Best Friend. On that day we put this song by Andrew Peterson out on a table for display. We like it because it is a reminder for us that living a radical life, a not so ordinary life, for Christ is very hard but that we are thankful that God has given us each other to make this hard journey together. Read the words and think about them.

'Cause He promised not to leave us, And His promises are true, So in the face of this chaos baby, I can dance with you.

Well I was 19, you were 21
The year we got engaged
Everyone said we were much too young
But we did it anyway
We got the rings for 40 each from a pawnshop down the road
We said our vows and took the leap now 15 years ago

Well "I do" are the two most famous last words
The beginning of the end
But to lose your life for another I've heard is a good place to begin
'Cause the only way to find your life is to lay your own life down
And I believe it's an easy price for the life that we have found

And we're dancing in the minefields
We're sailing in the storms
And it was harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for
That's what the promise is for

So when I lose my way, find me
When I lose loves chains, bind me
At the end of all my faith to the end of all my days
when I forget my name, remind me
'Cause we bear the light of the Son of man
So there's nothing left to fear
So I'll walk with you in the shadow lands
Till the shadows disappear
'Cause He promised not to leave us
And His promises are true
So in the face of this chaos baby,
I can dance with you.

So lets go dancing in the minefields
Lets go sailing in the storms
Oh, lets go dancing in the minefields
And kicking down the doors
Oh, lets go dancing in the minefields
And sailing in the storms
Oh, this is harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for
That's what the promise is for.

Andrew Peterson~Dancing in the Minefield

I saw You

I saw You, Jesus, last week, sitting on the curb, Your eyes were tired and heavy and You looked kinda cold. I didn't recognize You so I drove on by. Someone else would help You, who had more time.
I saw You in church on Sunday, You were divorced and forlorn and Your kids were acting bratty. I judged You from my seat and pushed You from my mind. Someone more adequate would stop and be kind.

I saw You yesterday once more crying all alone. Your clothes where torn and grimy and You said that You were nine. I figured someone else would take you in; your'e not any responsibility of mine. So I passed You by. But then You pricked my heart, I remembered how You died, for the sin that was not Your “responsibility”...no it was mine.

I saw You today again, walking down the road; You leaned upon Your cane as the wind began to rage. This time I stopped and got You, I knew better this time, then to leave my Savior waiting for another “call themselves a Christian” to pass You by.

“Then the King will say to those on His right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by My Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave Me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave Me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited Me in, I needed clothes and you clothed Me, I was sick and you looked after Me, I was in prison and you came to visit Me.’
“Then the righteous will answer Him, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You something to drink? When did we see You a stranger and invite You in, or needing clothes and clothe You? When did we see You sick or in prison and go to visit You?’
“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for Me.’

Matthew 25:34-40

Painting Pictures of Egypt

I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this

I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I"ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know

If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

~Sara Groves

Mary's Song

And Mary said,
“My soul glorifies the Lord
and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for He has been mindful
of the humble state of His servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
holy is His Name.
His mercy extends to those who fear Him,
from generation to generation.
He has performed mighty deeds with His arm;
He has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
He has brought down rulers from their thrones
but has lifted up the humble.
He has filled the hungry with good things
but has sent the rich away empty.
He has helped His servant Israel,
remembering to be merciful
to Abraham and his descendants forever,
just as He promised our ancestors.”
Luke 1:46-55

YOUR NAME

The Name of Jesus is a strong and mighty tower. Some trust in chariots and some in horses,but we trust in the Name of the LORD our God.(psalm 20:7)

Nothing to Bring to the Table

Often I live as though I need to bring something to the table in order to be used by God. Maybe a gift or experience that can be used to answer questions and comfort hurting hearts. That is when I forget that my greatest asset is Jesus Christ. I don't have to have been a prostitute to help a prostitute, I don't have to be an orphan to love an orphan. God gives us gifts to help people, but these gifts can only be used if they are fueled by Christ. Lately I've been figuring out that Christ doesn't need me at all.
And He doesn't need my failed attempts at helping someone on my terms, apart from Him.

In Acts 3 there is a story about a lame beggar who sat at the city gates begging for alms. When he saw Peter and John about to enter, he asked them for money. Then Peter said, "Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk." Taking him by the hand, he helped him up, and instantly the man's feet and ankles became strong. He jumped to his feet and began to walk. Peter didn't make that lame man walk, it was Jesus Christ.
Some of you may remember a previous post titled Crying in My Pillow
In that post I talked about a lesson I had learned the hard way. I had trusted in my strength to sustain me and my ability to love others to be sufficient. In the end I found myself burnt out and not really loving anyone.

Apart from Christ, we have NOTHING, nada, zippo, nothing. We have no resources to bring to the table, only Christ. The other day I was talking to a friend. She was hurting dramatically. She wanted answers. I found myself speechless. There was nothing I could think of that would be a comfort or help to her. That was when I remembered Christ. All I have is Jesus and that is all I need. He is the greatest hope and comfort. All I could do was show her the love Christ had for her.
Now don't get me wrong. We are Christ's hands and feet. One of the ways they will know the love of Christ is through us. But when we begin operating apart from Him, trusting in our ability and knowledge then we cease to show His love.
It is only when we surrender to Christ do we begin to truly love others.
And that is when beautiful things happen and when hearts are changed.~

The Right Decision

The right decision is not always the easiest. Actually it is sometimes the hardest and the most painful.
Recently one of my siblings made the right the decision when she chose to have her beloved dog put down when he continually had an issue with biting and had a strong dislike for children and strangers. She acted in love when she decided that her dog was endangering her young nieces and nephews and the other people who came in contact with him. And even though it was very hard, she chose to do the right thing.

I can think of another Man Who knew that the only way the people He loved could be free from sin and death was to lay down His life and die. This was for people that hated, betrayed, abandoned, scorned Him, and ultimately nailed Him to the cross. Yeah, Jesus acted in love. And it was hard.

Love is something most of us have no idea about. It is not an emotion but a choice; a choice to do the right thing if it hurts us; a choice to love unconditionally even if the love is not returned, a choice to stand by someone no matter what.

Another word for it is sacrifice.

True,steadfast, unconditional love will hurt. But I guess that’s what makes it true,steadfast…and unconditional.

In this is love, not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

1 John 4:10-11

Nothing Without You

Take these hands and lift them up
For I have not the strength to praise You near enough
See I have nothing, I have nothing without You

Take my voice and pour it out
Let it sing the songs of mercy I have found
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
That I have nothing without You

Take my body and build it up
May it be broken as an offering of love
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
That I have nothing
But I love You

With all my heart
With all my soul
With all my mind
With all the strength that I can find

Take my time here on this earth
And let it glorify all that You are worth
For I am nothing,
I am nothing without You

~Bebo Norman,
Nothing Without You

Happy Birthday Glenell!

Friday, April 30 was my oldest sister, Glenell's 27th birthday. But she is not here to celebrate it with us. 27 years ago Friday she passed away. That’s right, she died on her birthday. She was born 5 months premature at 18 weeks. And since her lungs were not fully developed, she fought and lived 1 hour.
Glenell had all her organs, she had all her fingers and toes, and she had a finger print and a tiny nose. She had tiny hair that grew all over her, and she could wave her arms and suck her thumb. She was a person.

Approximately 6,000 children are aborted each day. Many like Glenell at 18 weeks; many are younger, many older. Abortionist will tell you that life begins at birth. Before that, the child is a fetus and is just a blob.

27 years ago my parents lost their little girl, they buried her in a tiny grave.
Why? Because her life had meaning.

From 1973 through 2005 in the U.S., more than 45 million legal abortions have happened
In 2005 (the most recent year for which there is reliable data), approximately 1.21 million abortions took place in the U.S.

Their lives all had meaning too.

Happy Birthday Glenell. I know you are loving heaven, see ya soon.

A child in the womb at 19 weeks.

Facts on abortion sited from abort73.com

He is Near

My family has been going though some hard times lately. It has been times that have tested us and are making us.
As human beings living in a fallen world, we all go through hard times, times of hurt, loneliness, grief and struggle.
There are lots of emotions you feel in these times. I can hardly describe the wide range of things I have felt. I have felt deep, deep sorrow and it has struck in areas I didn't know I had and has gone so intensely deep that at times nothing has been able to comfort it, nothing except Jesus. He has been so very near. He has been surrounding me. I can truly say He has carried me in His big arms. He has given me rest for my soul.
If you are hurting, know that Jesus is faithful. If you call on Him, He will answer you. He is near to the broken hearted. He loves you and me so very much, I have learned. He will not abandon you, He has never abandoned me.

“The LORD Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8

Honeymoon Night.

Note: I wrote this story a few years ago but recently stumbled upon it again. The meaning still runs true.------












The moment had finally come. Jestina paused one last time before the mirror. She dabbed at her nose with the last drop of foundation and gently twirled her rogue brush across her cheeks bones. Her freshly curled hair hung long and loose in crisp fine curls about her shoulders. She glanced down; it had been a hard choice between the two equally beautiful new nighties. The Satiny Pearl with its adorable pleats, had fit to perfection around her every curve; and the Ginger Rose which was of such a rich color, had such a lovely way in the gentle, lazy straps that fell loosely over her shoulders; so finally now after much consideration, she had settled on the Ginger Rose.

She now stood ready. Her heart beat wildly as she slowly cracked open the door and stepped softly in the bedroom.
Her eyes flickered up to meet the eyes of her new husband. Sean flashed her understanding smile.

He was so right for her, the perfect match. He was a man of integrity, honor and gentleness. They had bond close in a beautiful way. Never before had Jestina ever felt so accepted and loved by a man. Sean was her dream come true, her gift from God.
She smiled nervously back, her stomach fluttered with butterflies.
Sean sat, propped up against the headboard on their bed; the bed where they would soon unite in a totally new and graceful way.
Jestina's mind flashed back to the past. This bed; the place where she had yet to be physically, but was the place she knew she had mentally visited many times, each time with a different man. Her body had been touched and caressed by many other hands. Twas harmless flirting they said. She had been kissed many times. It was what "everybody" was doing, the dating thing. Her eyes came to rest upon her husband, yes her husband, the one man in the entire world that had deserved it all. But she had thought she enjoyed it; the playful touches, kisses and all the emotions swirled at the time. She couldn't count the number of times since Jr. High that she had lay awake fantasizing about every guy she had set her eyes on. Oh, she had loved it, it had been so satisfying she thought.
But now, all the bits and pieces from her short time pleasures came back to testify against all she had given away.

A single tear rolled down her cheek.
Sean's eyes took in every detail. "Jess" he implored, “What is it?"

Jestina raised her eyes to meet his, "I'm sorry" she whispered, "I only saved you this much."